Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
I have a problem. And it is called compartmentalizing.
Out of sight, out of mind. The motto that my life has, for the most part, lived by. It's a problem.
If you ask me about my students right now and my job, I'll probably give you the generic, "Oh it's going well - I really like my students. They're crazy sometimes, and not having a curriculum to work from sucks, but I'm learning a lot."
I won't tell you about period 5 and how frustrated I get when Oscar pretends the T-Square is an automatic gun. And I won't tell you about Orlando, the Christian rapper and talented artist. I won't tell you about Lynes, who stayed after school to help me organize folders and told me about her church. And probably, I won't tell you that Gabriel said today that he believed me when I told him I would be sad if he died.
And I won't tell you that Eric threatened Mr. Cardona that he would "mush his face." And I won't tell you that I told Eric that he doesn't have to be like this. That he doesn't have to fail - to lose focus, just because there are so many bad influences around. That his teachers are not out to get him. That I know he has the potential and the capability because I've heard it and because I've seen it. That he can prove it to himself and everyone else that he can do better. And I won't tell you that I made a copy of his two-point streetscape perspective drawing and hung it in the office and that when he found out, he flipped and said "You did what?!" and ran to the office to see it, only to say, "But this isn't even my final drawing!" I won't tell you that I was scared sh*tless that may have been a moment of lost trust - that I was infinitely relieved that he was more proud than embarrassed of his work.
But alas, even though I might not tell you, this is my life now.
Out of sight, out of mind. The motto that my life has, for the most part, lived by. It's a problem.
If you ask me about my students right now and my job, I'll probably give you the generic, "Oh it's going well - I really like my students. They're crazy sometimes, and not having a curriculum to work from sucks, but I'm learning a lot."
I won't tell you about period 5 and how frustrated I get when Oscar pretends the T-Square is an automatic gun. And I won't tell you about Orlando, the Christian rapper and talented artist. I won't tell you about Lynes, who stayed after school to help me organize folders and told me about her church. And probably, I won't tell you that Gabriel said today that he believed me when I told him I would be sad if he died.
And I won't tell you that Eric threatened Mr. Cardona that he would "mush his face." And I won't tell you that I told Eric that he doesn't have to be like this. That he doesn't have to fail - to lose focus, just because there are so many bad influences around. That his teachers are not out to get him. That I know he has the potential and the capability because I've heard it and because I've seen it. That he can prove it to himself and everyone else that he can do better. And I won't tell you that I made a copy of his two-point streetscape perspective drawing and hung it in the office and that when he found out, he flipped and said "You did what?!" and ran to the office to see it, only to say, "But this isn't even my final drawing!" I won't tell you that I was scared sh*tless that may have been a moment of lost trust - that I was infinitely relieved that he was more proud than embarrassed of his work.
But alas, even though I might not tell you, this is my life now.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
because i need to do this for myself
Urbana 2006: Live a life worthy of the calling..
Amy and I recently began relistening to the Urbana album. Two years later, the tracks "Unify Us", "I Have a Calling", and "You Alone are God" still hold the same significance they did when we worshiped alongside 20,000 other Christians. But at the same time, sometimes, the words feel so empty. Two years later - what are we doing with our lives? Urbana's mandate was to go forth - go live a life worthy of the calling, go serve those in the ends of the earth - go proclaim the Word of the Lord to those who are weak and down trodden.
Two years later, I am teaching at a "high-need" school in the Bronx. Two years later, I have been to Africa, I have lent my services and my time in the Third World, and am now working in poverty-stricken areas. But two years later, I'm not certain that my heart is aligned with God's.
There's a difference between desiring to please God and merely adhering to Christian principles. It's called legalism. Several weeks ago, a visiting pastor at my home church (yes, ICA) pointed out the phenomenon of young people desiring to go into the "inner-city" - the only place deserving - to teach. It is a not a bad thing, he stated, but it is most important to understand why you choose to do. Do we do it because we understand that God's heart longs for those who are physically and spiritually impoverished? Or do we do it.. out of our own reactions to intuitions of injustice? Am I looking to see heaven come down on earth, or am I searching merely for the earthly resolutions? Again, I ask, what makes me different from any other secular humanist?
To walk humbly with our God - is the most important thing.. And I pray that I'm not saying this because I know that is the Christian ideal, but because I really believe it.
Amy and I recently began relistening to the Urbana album. Two years later, the tracks "Unify Us", "I Have a Calling", and "You Alone are God" still hold the same significance they did when we worshiped alongside 20,000 other Christians. But at the same time, sometimes, the words feel so empty. Two years later - what are we doing with our lives? Urbana's mandate was to go forth - go live a life worthy of the calling, go serve those in the ends of the earth - go proclaim the Word of the Lord to those who are weak and down trodden.
Two years later, I am teaching at a "high-need" school in the Bronx. Two years later, I have been to Africa, I have lent my services and my time in the Third World, and am now working in poverty-stricken areas. But two years later, I'm not certain that my heart is aligned with God's.
There's a difference between desiring to please God and merely adhering to Christian principles. It's called legalism. Several weeks ago, a visiting pastor at my home church (yes, ICA) pointed out the phenomenon of young people desiring to go into the "inner-city" - the only place deserving - to teach. It is a not a bad thing, he stated, but it is most important to understand why you choose to do. Do we do it because we understand that God's heart longs for those who are physically and spiritually impoverished? Or do we do it.. out of our own reactions to intuitions of injustice? Am I looking to see heaven come down on earth, or am I searching merely for the earthly resolutions? Again, I ask, what makes me different from any other secular humanist?
To walk humbly with our God - is the most important thing.. And I pray that I'm not saying this because I know that is the Christian ideal, but because I really believe it.
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