Went to Origins with Steve and Amy on Sunday. Steve introduced us to some of his fellow NYers. Of course, the Asian Christian world is a small small microcosm. Connections and mutual acquaintances were easily drawn. One thing I was glad for: when others realize that path of the teacher is a decision made, not a route taken by default. We're often looked upon as having a cushy job, when the actuality of it is that we could be very well be at law school or med school but we chose to teach instead. And especially as a Fellow, we chose to teach specifically in the public schools of New York City, not anywhere else. I was glad to find that some do understand the premise of this career choice.

Things observed: those living in the city are awfully helpful. Many gestures have been extended: fellowship cookouts, scheduled dinners with other teaching fellow friends, invitation to churches.. all of it is very nice. Hospitality is an admirable trait.

empty?

Sometimes, I get sad when I think about how difficult it will be to invest myself in a relationship as I had in the past. It often feels like an impossibility to be able to reach that same level of depth with someone as I had before. I've already expended so much of myself, that it sometimes feels that there is nothing else left for me to give. How do you foster that kind of trust with someone and establish that kind of foundation again? The notion of building something new with another person seems so difficult.

Many pursue, and yet I am paralyzed - unable to respond. I wonder for how much longer.

tribute

There's a lot to consider when moving into the big city.. I'll admit that my desire to move was fueled by my desire for independence, to be off on my own, and to take some load off my parents back. But ultimately, it was fueled by my desire to be independent, self-sufficient, and self-reliant.

This whole apartment fiasco has been somewhat of a reminder of how much I still need my parents. I've always been one to look to my own devices, never really seeking or even wanting their assistance. And yet, the revealing of our still prevailing naivety in the entire process.. how much had we really messed up or misunderstood? And yet, there my father was.. not stationed to reprimand, but to encourage and correct. Not ready to coddle, but to support. He let us handle the situation on our own, he let us make the calls, the decisions, the negotiations. He let us learn... on our own, but he was there watching over us.

I don't know. Today was a strange day. I felt.. grown up, dealing with the broker, the owner, the manager. I felt grown up having gone through the process of finding and renting my first apartment, signing my first lease, learning the intricacies of the real estate sector. I felt grown up, being able to express all of my concerns/complaints, being able to stand firm, being able to negotiate and reason in the "real world".. and it was really surprising to me, because while my father was there, he didn't try to take over and do business for me. He coached, he assisted, but ultimately, he watched from the sidelines. And yet, it was then that I realized how much I still need and value his support.

He's probably still driving on his way home right now, after having dropped Amy all the in Towaco. After having given us a ride all the way back to Flushing. After having taken us out to dinner to celebrate the lease. And after having driven all the way out to Brooklyn at 4PM to ensure all would go well. And throughout all of this, there was no complaint from his mouth, no frowns or expressions of annoyance or disapproval.

I'm getting ready to leave home, but it's only now that I'm beginning to value all that parents have ever provided for me.