resolutions

Matthew 18.2.

&

JOY - Jesus, Others, Yourself.

I think I will follow my boyfriend in suit, and begin blogging on a more regular basis.

Easy to fixate on the bad, but so much more important to focus on the beautiful.

The notion of being in love - is a funny thing.

Everyone feels like quitting these days.

Galatians 6.9-10: And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

I'm not sure what that means anymore. I've been doing this for 2.5 years already, and I'm finding that I don't have enough strength of my own to do it for much longer. The human soul is only so limited in its ability to care for others so selflessly, and the systemic problems of the inner city, education, and human depravity are wearing me down.

Sometimes, I look at my students' work and I am just amazed by everything they have been able to produce and accomplish. Moments like those make me feel like I belong where I am. But these days, it's like pulling teeth and I wonder how much of an impact is actually being made and whether what I do really matters at all.

I feel like I'm turning my back on it all.

Usurping idols. Or something like that.

Already, but not yet.

Some not so great things about today:

1. Finding projects ruined in my classroom after Cruz's 3rd period and lunch. Augh. I hate it when kids violate. 
2. One student said to me, "Give me my fucking pencil," and tried to play it off. Write up. Lunch detention will be served, I suppose.

That was basically it.

Some highlights of the day:

1. Students in my 7th period/Cruz's 3rd period "snitched" about who violated. Glad they are looking out for me.. All right. Approached one of the suspects about it. Rather than taking to accusatory approach, decided to address attitude and consider his character instead. Then brought up the fact that students stated what he had done, but that I wanted to inquire first rather than believe them right away. Student fessed up immediately and explained the scenario without much coercion. I believed him. Double checked with another prime suspect, who corroborated the story. Anyway, I'm just glad that the first student and I were able to come to terms cordially. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
   
   
2. Ricardo was amazing today - so attentive to his work; he pumped out a great initial skeleton to his drawing.

People are important to me..

This is going to be a great year.

i have the attention span of zero

but I am incredibly blessed. Oh, to remember the source of it all!

Luke 12:48.

A bit too enamored, perhaps.

eat pray love

Maybe I am that girl who needs to go "find herself" out in the great big world.

No, that would be escapism. Rather, the need is to find myself again in my Maker.

"But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first." Revelation 2.4-5

thoughts

I have readers! (Salut, E. Chang!)

Content and yet not - but I think it's good to remember that in seeking to find satisfaction in some things, we realize the impossibility, because only that can be found in God. 

Likes of home

1. My mother's ever growing vegetable garden.

2. Friendships of two decades. 

3. Being educated about the housing market by my father.

4. Friendships of one decade - and Four Seasons Thai. 

5. Crickets! Being able to hear them.

6. My old journals. 

7. Natural lighting in my room.
8. Grandma. 

I think Imma go back in a week..

desires

A disposition of gratitude. To think beyond myself. Compassion.

How deep the Father's love for us -

I hope to really understand this..

I hate sin.

reality

It's funny. Last week, I found myself blinded to sin and unaware of my depravity. I asked to be reminded of it.. This week, I find myself confronted by how utterly human and selfish I actually am, and how self-seeking my intentions are. Oh, the repercussions of being the daughter of Eve.

In need of grace..

notes

Reading Calvin's Institutes..

Reminded that it is only when we see God and understand goodness by His standard that we are able to recognize how short we fall of His glory. Desensitization to sin comes as a result of not beholding His absolute perfection. Ergo, as we come to know God more fully, we uncover the great depth of our own fallibility and sin. We recognize our need for Him.

Philippians 4.11-13

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. 

Fighting - the temptation to take things into my own hands, to use my own efforts to secure lofty promises. But remembering - from past errors - the danger in doing this,  knowing that our hearts' motives and desires will succeed only if God wills them to. Remembering - that we can only place our confidence in His sovereignty, and trusting - that He uses our blunders and brokenness for His glory. Hoping - that he will create beauty from our ashes. Learning - as always - that He continues to be the ever living constant in our lives, the rock on which we plant our feet, when all other ground is sinking sand.

replay

Not enough patience in my heart. Distressed about students who don't seem to care enough about their future. Would like to be in an environment where education is actually valued..

Perpetuating the system? I don't want to be a part of this. How to instill change without conforming to the rest.. how to avoid cynicism, desensitization, and apathy?

Kids will be kids. I think I have trouble understanding this sometimes. I've been struggling to identify what exactly is the problem with this system - the kids, the parents, the environment, the teachers, the administration? 

My math class is so not PG. In talking about functions, we reference girls who are ho's (if an x - girl - has more than one y - guy - then, she does not have functional relations), and guys who have game (if a y - guy - has more than one x - girl - then it does not necessarily mean that the relation is not a function). And then you have the open circle which means that that point is not inclusive, or rather that the girl does not have a beau at that given point. 

Anyway.. kind of awkward. But I guess it works for them understanding the concept..

Remembering who I am - who I was made to be.

Thankful for those who remind me.

the burning heart

Did not our heart burn within us . . . ? —Luke 24:32

We need to learn this secret of the burning heart. Suddenly Jesus appears to us, fires are set ablaze, and we are given wonderful visions; but then we must learn to maintain the secret of the burning heart— a heart that can go through anything. It is the simple, dreary day, with its commonplace duties and people, that smothers the burning heart— unless we have learned the secret of abiding in Jesus.

Much of the distress we experience as Christians comes not as the result of sin, but because we are ignorant of the laws of our own nature. For instance, the only test we should use to determine whether or not to allow a particular emotion to run its course in our lives is to examine what the final outcome of that emotion will be. Think it through to its logical conclusion, and if the outcome is something that God would condemn, put a stop to it immediately. But if it is an emotion that has been kindled by the Spirit of God and you don’t allow it to have its way in your life, it will cause a reaction on a lower level than God intended. That is the way unrealistic and overly emotional people are made. And the higher the emotion, the deeper the level of corruption, if it is not exercised on its intended level. If the Spirit of God has stirred you, make as many of your decisions as possible irrevocable, and let the consequences be what they will. We cannot stay forever on the "mount of transfiguration," basking in the light of our mountaintop experience (see Mark 9:1-9 ). But we must obey the light we received there; we must put it into action. When God gives us a vision, we must transact business with Him at that point, no matter what the cost.

We cannot kindle when we will

The fire which in the heart resides,

The spirit bloweth and is still,

In mystery our soul abides;

But tasks in hours of insight willed

Can be through hours of gloom fulfilled.

[ My Utmost For His Highest ]

The beautiful weather is making me not want to do anything work-wise, and everything play-wise: picnic in the park, the Guggenheim, and yet I have a number theory midterm next Thursday. What to do!!

dear Jesus,

Thank you for reminders of grace.

proverbs 4:23

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

The ESV says "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life," which I think is interesting. Perhaps both versions allude to the same act of being cautious with your heart, but the word "vigilance" is a reminder that one must always be on watch - diligently - to ensure its safekeeping.

I think the easiest way to do that is to love the Lord your God with your heart, your soul, and your mind. To keep it from being broken, or broken only unto Him, is to ensure that your heart is His alone.

legacy

Let's redefine success again.

thankful.

How easily we build up idols for ourselves - how quickly we usurp God from the thrones of our hearts. Our tendencies to chase after the wind, to find our securities in those which are transient - to build our houses upon sinking sand.

What does it take for Jesus to enrapture us? To take into captivity every single one of our thoughts?

resolution

To remember the holiness of God. To remember God.