life...

sucks.


After a post-dinner dinner, chocolate and pistachio cheesecake, and about a bottle of Rosemount Shiraz with my photography sensei, this is what I've been left with. A dose of reality.

You want to save the world, but you can't either because those you want to help won't cooperate, or the system just isn't allow for it. And the real world, whether corporate or non-profit, is still in fact driven by money and politics. And it's difficult to fight the tide. It's difficult to run against the wind, the world.

But I guess it's better to go in with a realistic perspective on things, rather than be naively idealistic. I'm definitely more cynical than I used to be..

I guess this is what we refer to as the Fall.

I got my university assignment today. An obscure Catholic school in Brooklyn, but it'll get the job done.

Ray says I'm emo.
It's probably true. :)

mental dumps

1. Cameron Sinclair, I applaud you.
   
   Tuesday, 6:30 pm: I wasn't sure if I should make the trek down to Givens to hear you speak. It would be much easier to sit in my comfortable room, especially with an impending 4-5 page paper due the next day. But I couldn't. I knew that if I didn't go, I would be filled with regret - I would be left wondering what you had to say about designing like you give a damn. It would make me hypocrite, because this is all that I believe architecture of being capable of. Thank you so much for moving us towards urgency again. Thank you for giving me faith in this field again.
   
   
   
2. Conspiracies
   
   At this moment, there are at least three friends making a cross-country trek out to the Mid-West from the Dirty Jersey. Seriously. This is the second time now (even though the fruits of the first one did not last). Still, why am I so blessed?
   
   
   
3. C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed
   
   I've read only the introduction by Madeleine L'Engle and the first couple pages of chapter 1, and already tears have wanted to well up. There's a lot of angst in trying to understand why certain things happen - why God decides to take people away, and why He doesn't allow us to hold onto something that was once so good. I've been thinking about loss a lot recently and how we lose people to change. And I grieve and still wonder how these things happen. I don't know. But I've gotten better at accepting that all things do happen for the good all of those who love God. Sigh. To find comfort in that, if nothing else.
   

at the end of the day

I am thankful for those on whom I can lean.
I am thankful for those that I can throw my arms around, that I can accidentally fall asleep in the same room with during late night talks.
I am thankful for those with whom I can be completely still and yet completely at ease.
I am thankful for those who strive for intimacy, who are willing to take the risk because our Lord calls us to get messy with one another.
I am thankful for redemption after these three years.

Was it all worth it? Is loving the bride worth it?

Yes, it was. And yes, it is.

cynicism

Whatever happened to saving the world?