On the end of a season

I am a little sad.

One of my students from my first year of teaching came by to visit today. Five years later, it's incredible to see how much they've been changed, but how they still remember you and your class.

I started cleaning out my classroom this week. It's still quite cluttered with student work and miscellaneous materials, but it's starting to feel eerily empty.. Five years in this classroom, of nearly 900 days, 4500 periods, and of tens of thousands of projects and drawings started and (hopefully) completed. But of stories shares, relationships forged, and lessons taught and learned. I wonder what they'll do with it come Fall and who it'll be replaced with.

It's funny that I essentially took the past two years waiting for this time to arrive, and now that it's finally here, I'm wondering if I'm really ready to let go.

Two years ago, the day after I received my acceptance letter from NYU Wagner, I watched Keith walk into first period and suddenly felt immensely sad at the thought of not being there to see him through high school. Well, two years later, I've seen that class make their way towards graduation and I feel more ready. But then there is the thought of next year's class.. I guess the cycle must come to an end sometime.  I'm glad it's ending with Keith's class.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. In particular,

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

- Ecclesiastes 3.6

Still seeking closure, but thankful at least for this season of time to work with these students and all that they've taught me.

Family

I've been seeing my brother, Sam, more often, who has been temping in the city for the past few months, and it's been.. really nice. This is probably the first time I've seen him on a consistent basis since high school. In terms of actually spending time together, this is probably the first time since.. we were kids and would play outside together.

I feel rebuked because I'm learning how little I really know my brother. Apart from our occasional spats and my belief of his immaturity and inconsideration, Sam has always been the prototypical middle child - often overlooked and neglected. That, coupled with his taboo learning disability.. Sam's opinions and assertions have often been dismissed with a grain of salt because it's hard to figure out if his perception of things are indeed believable. Suffice to say, when he first asked to visit my home group on Fridays, I agreed hesitantly because I was afraid he would come off as awkward and I would be embarrassed.

But I've been proven wrong. Sam shares insightful things. He quotes scripture. But most of all, his undeniably pure faith and strong belief in God shows me how my own faith has left much to be desired. And how wrong I am about my brother. He is relatable. And capable. And God is hopefully changing my heart to see all this in order to love him for who he really is.

I have to admit that since moving to NYC, I've seldom had the discipline to sit down as I used to and really reflect on how things are going. In the past five(!) years, amidst the hustle and bustle, it's been difficult to "find myself", or better yet, seek to understand God's work in my life.

Tonight, I'm finally trying to do that. In particular, I'm thinking about how life has changed especially in the past five years, and the choices I've made to lead me to where I am now. I think about the fact that I chose to go to school away from home, chose to live a certain lifestyle in the city, and how those decisions have come at a price with some, but have also created some of my closest friendships now.

I've always had an issue with discontentment and feelings of want, but right now, what I'm trying to remember and believe is this:

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;

you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

- Psalm 16.5-6 (ESV)

The Lord is gracious and sovereign. He is always faithful to provide those to walk alongside us. Somewhere down the road, I seemed to forget that I am abundantly blessed and neglected the duty to nurture in what was entrusted to me. In college, the buzz word was intentionality. As summer approaches, my hope that it will be one marked by just that and the assurance of His faithfulness.

I think God is teaching me that I need to not only be content with what I have, but THANKFUL, because I am blessed. And reap those blessings! And love people. Yes.

Need to document.

My students know that I care about them.

I wish for a clear mind again.

I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard my back hurt. I miss that.

During nearly every communion for the past year, I've asked God for one thing - faith. I thank Him that despite my faithlessness and my unfaithfulness, that He loves me regardless and that His body and blood covers me. Every Sunday, I repent for not acknowledging Him more during the week, and I pray with hope that the new week would bring something better because I've abided in Him. And then I ask for faith - faith to believe, faith to trust that He's even there. I ask for faith because I know that my own is so little. I pray for stronger conviction that He lives and that my life is lived for Him. Every week, I'm hanging on by a strand trying to find that faith again.

What I need is for Him to find me. Dear God, please - make me yours again.

resolutions

Matthew 18.2.

&

JOY - Jesus, Others, Yourself.

I think I will follow my boyfriend in suit, and begin blogging on a more regular basis.

Easy to fixate on the bad, but so much more important to focus on the beautiful.

The notion of being in love - is a funny thing.

Everyone feels like quitting these days.

Galatians 6.9-10: And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

I'm not sure what that means anymore. I've been doing this for 2.5 years already, and I'm finding that I don't have enough strength of my own to do it for much longer. The human soul is only so limited in its ability to care for others so selflessly, and the systemic problems of the inner city, education, and human depravity are wearing me down.

Sometimes, I look at my students' work and I am just amazed by everything they have been able to produce and accomplish. Moments like those make me feel like I belong where I am. But these days, it's like pulling teeth and I wonder how much of an impact is actually being made and whether what I do really matters at all.

I feel like I'm turning my back on it all.

Usurping idols. Or something like that.

Already, but not yet.

Some not so great things about today:

1. Finding projects ruined in my classroom after Cruz's 3rd period and lunch. Augh. I hate it when kids violate. 
2. One student said to me, "Give me my fucking pencil," and tried to play it off. Write up. Lunch detention will be served, I suppose.

That was basically it.

Some highlights of the day:

1. Students in my 7th period/Cruz's 3rd period "snitched" about who violated. Glad they are looking out for me.. All right. Approached one of the suspects about it. Rather than taking to accusatory approach, decided to address attitude and consider his character instead. Then brought up the fact that students stated what he had done, but that I wanted to inquire first rather than believe them right away. Student fessed up immediately and explained the scenario without much coercion. I believed him. Double checked with another prime suspect, who corroborated the story. Anyway, I'm just glad that the first student and I were able to come to terms cordially. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
   
   
2. Ricardo was amazing today - so attentive to his work; he pumped out a great initial skeleton to his drawing.

People are important to me..

This is going to be a great year.

i have the attention span of zero

but I am incredibly blessed. Oh, to remember the source of it all!

Luke 12:48.

A bit too enamored, perhaps.

eat pray love

Maybe I am that girl who needs to go "find herself" out in the great big world.

No, that would be escapism. Rather, the need is to find myself again in my Maker.

"But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first." Revelation 2.4-5