inarticulate

2011-07-27T23:33:00.002-04:00

I think God is teaching me that I need to not only be content with what I have, but THANKFUL, because I am blessed. And reap those blessings! And love people. Yes.

2011-02-12T12:29:00.000-05:00

Need to document.

My students know that I care about them.

2011-02-09T22:41:00.001-05:00

I wish for a clear mind again.

2011-01-07T12:34:00.000-05:00

I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard my back hurt. I miss that.

2011-01-03T12:34:00.007-05:00

During nearly every communion for the past year, I've asked God for one thing - faith. I thank Him that despite my faithlessness and my unfaithfulness, that He loves me regardless and that His body and blood covers me. Every Sunday, I repent for not acknowledging Him more during the week, and I pray with hope that the new week would bring something better because I've abided in Him. And then I ask for faith - faith to believe, faith to trust that He's even there. I ask for faith because I know that my own is so little. I pray for stronger conviction that He lives and that my life is lived for Him. Every week, I'm hanging on by a strand trying to find that faith again.

What I need is for Him to find me. Dear God, please - make me yours again.

resolutions

2010-12-31T17:52:00.000-05:00

Matthew 18.2.

&

JOY - Jesus, Others, Yourself.

2010-12-25T21:24:00.000-05:00

I think I will follow my boyfriend in suit, and begin blogging on a more regular basis.

2010-12-20T18:36:00.000-05:00

Easy to fixate on the bad, but so much more important to focus on the beautiful.

The notion of being in love - is a funny thing.

2010-12-14T22:59:00.001-05:00

Everyone feels like quitting these days.

Galatians 6.9-10: And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

I'm not sure what that means anymore. I've been doing this for 2.5 years already, and I'm finding that I don't have enough strength of my own to do it for much longer. The human soul is only so limited in its ability to care for others so selflessly, and the systemic problems of the inner city, education, and human depravity are wearing me down.

Sometimes, I look at my students' work and I am just amazed by everything they have been able to produce and accomplish. Moments like those make me feel like I belong where I am. But these days, it's like pulling teeth and I wonder how much of an impact is actually being made and whether what I do really matters at all.

I feel like I'm turning my back on it all.

2010-12-13T18:39:00.002-05:00

Usurping idols. Or something like that.

2010-11-28T20:58:00.001-05:00

Already, but not yet.

2010-11-08T16:00:00.001-05:00

Some not so great things about today:

Finding projects ruined in my classroom after Cruz's 3rd period and lunch. Augh. I hate it when kids violate.
One student said to me, "Give me my fucking pencil," and tried to play it off. Write up. Lunch detention will be served, I suppose.

That was basically it.

Some highlights of the day:

Students in my 7th period/Cruz's 3rd period "snitched" about who violated. Glad they are looking out for me.. All right. Approached one of the suspects about it. Rather than taking to accusatory approach, decided to address attitude and consider his character instead. Then brought up the fact that students stated what he had done, but that I wanted to inquire first rather than believe them right away. Student fessed up immediately and explained the scenario without much coercion. I believed him. Double checked with another prime suspect, who corroborated the story. Anyway, I'm just glad that the first student and I were able to come to terms cordially. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
Ricardo was amazing today - so attentive to his work; he pumped out a great initial skeleton to his drawing.

2010-11-06T23:05:00.002-04:00

People are important to me..

2010-09-16T12:36:00.001-04:00

This is going to be a great year.

i have the attention span of zero

2010-09-04T20:23:00.004-04:00

but I am incredibly blessed. Oh, to remember the source of it all!

Luke 12:48.

2010-09-02T01:07:00.003-04:00

A bit too enamored, perhaps.

eat pray love

2010-08-15T23:10:00.001-04:00

Maybe I am that girl who needs to go "find herself" out in the great big world.

No, that would be escapism. Rather, the need is to find myself again in my Maker.

"But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first." Revelation 2.4-5

thoughts

2010-08-15T00:46:00.003-04:00

I have readers! (Salut, E. Chang!)

Content and yet not - but I think it's good to remember that in seeking to find satisfaction in some things, we realize the impossibility, because only that can be found in God.

Likes of home

1. My mother's ever growing vegetable garden.

2. Friendships of two decades.

3. Being educated about the housing market by my father.

4. Friendships of one decade - and Four Seasons Thai.

5. Crickets! Being able to hear them.

6. My old journals.

7. Natural lighting in my room.
8. Grandma.

I think Imma go back in a week..

desires

2010-08-09T22:42:00.003-04:00

A disposition of gratitude. To think beyond myself. Compassion.

2010-08-01T01:29:00.003-04:00

How deep the Father's love for us -

I hope to really understand this..

2010-07-10T22:43:00.001-04:00

I hate sin.

reality

2010-06-23T00:36:00.003-04:00

It's funny. Last week, I found myself blinded to sin and unaware of my depravity. I asked to be reminded of it.. This week, I find myself confronted by how utterly human and selfish I actually am, and how self-seeking my intentions are. Oh, the repercussions of being the daughter of Eve.

In need of grace..

notes

2010-06-20T01:40:00.001-04:00

Reading Calvin's Institutes..

Reminded that it is only when we see God and understand goodness by His standard that we are able to recognize how short we fall of His glory. Desensitization to sin comes as a result of not beholding His absolute perfection. Ergo, as we come to know God more fully, we uncover the great depth of our own fallibility and sin. We recognize our need for Him.

Philippians 4.11-13

2010-05-24T10:22:00.009-04:00

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Fighting - the temptation to take things into my own hands, to use my own efforts to secure lofty promises. But remembering - from past errors - the danger in doing this, knowing that our hearts' motives and desires will succeed only if God wills them to. Remembering - that we can only place our confidence in His sovereignty, and trusting - that He uses our blunders and brokenness for His glory. Hoping - that he will create beauty from our ashes. Learning - as always - that He continues to be the ever living constant in our lives, the rock on which we plant our feet, when all other ground is sinking sand.

2010-05-05T12:04:00.003-04:00

replay

Not enough patience in my heart. Distressed about students who don't seem to care enough about their future. Would like to be in an environment where education is actually valued..

Perpetuating the system? I don't want to be a part of this. How to instill change without conforming to the rest.. how to avoid cynicism, desensitization, and apathy?

Kids will be kids. I think I have trouble understanding this sometimes. I've been struggling to identify what exactly is the problem with this system - the kids, the parents, the environment, the teachers, the administration?

2010-05-04T18:30:00.001-04:00

My math class is so not PG. In talking about functions, we reference girls who are ho's (if an x - girl - has more than one y - guy - then, she does not have functional relations), and guys who have game (if a y - guy - has more than one x - girl - then it does not necessarily mean that the relation is not a function). And then you have the open circle which means that that point is not inclusive, or rather that the girl does not have a beau at that given point.

Anyway.. kind of awkward. But I guess it works for them understanding the concept..

2010-04-06T21:16:00.001-04:00

Remembering who I am - who I was made to be.

Thankful for those who remind me.

the burning heart

2010-03-22T21:43:00.000-04:00

Did not our heart burn within us . . . ? —Luke 24:32

We need to learn this secret of the burning heart. Suddenly Jesus appears to us, fires are set ablaze, and we are given wonderful visions; but then we must learn to maintain the secret of the burning heart— a heart that can go through anything. It is the simple, dreary day, with its commonplace duties and people, that smothers the burning heart— unless we have learned the secret of abiding in Jesus.

Much of the distress we experience as Christians comes not as the result of sin, but because we are ignorant of the laws of our own nature. For instance, the only test we should use to determine whether or not to allow a particular emotion to run its course in our lives is to examine what the final outcome of that emotion will be. Think it through to its logical conclusion, and if the outcome is something that God would condemn, put a stop to it immediately. But if it is an emotion that has been kindled by the Spirit of God and you don’t allow it to have its way in your life, it will cause a reaction on a lower level than God intended. That is the way unrealistic and overly emotional people are made. And the higher the emotion, the deeper the level of corruption, if it is not exercised on its intended level. If the Spirit of God has stirred you, make as many of your decisions as possible irrevocable, and let the consequences be what they will. We cannot stay forever on the "mount of transfiguration," basking in the light of our mountaintop experience (see Mark 9:1-9 ). But we must obey the light we received there; we must put it into action. When God gives us a vision, we must transact business with Him at that point, no matter what the cost.

We cannot kindle when we will

The fire which in the heart resides,

The spirit bloweth and is still,

In mystery our soul abides;

But tasks in hours of insight willed

Can be through hours of gloom fulfilled.

[ My Utmost For His Highest ]

2010-03-18T12:52:00.000-04:00

The beautiful weather is making me not want to do anything work-wise, and everything play-wise: picnic in the park, the Guggenheim, and yet I have a number theory midterm next Thursday. What to do!!

dear Jesus,

2010-02-27T19:15:00.001-05:00

Thank you for reminders of grace.

proverbs 4:23

2010-02-21T23:29:00.000-05:00

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

The ESV says "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life," which I think is interesting. Perhaps both versions allude to the same act of being cautious with your heart, but the word "vigilance" is a reminder that one must always be on watch - diligently - to ensure its safekeeping.

I think the easiest way to do that is to love the Lord your God with your heart, your soul, and your mind. To keep it from being broken, or broken only unto Him, is to ensure that your heart is His alone.

legacy

2010-02-01T13:13:00.001-05:00

Let's redefine success again.

2010-01-23T09:22:00.001-05:00

thankful.

2010-01-20T21:29:00.001-05:00

How easily we build up idols for ourselves - how quickly we usurp God from the thrones of our hearts. Our tendencies to chase after the wind, to find our securities in those which are transient - to build our houses upon sinking sand.

What does it take for Jesus to enrapture us? To take into captivity every single one of our thoughts?

resolution

2010-01-10T01:32:00.001-05:00

To remember the holiness of God. To remember God.

2009-12-12T19:03:00.001-05:00

Time is a luxury item. And I seem to be poor...

2009-11-23T17:57:00.001-05:00

During a graphing trig functions lesson:

Victor: Ms. H, your curves are sexy.

He was actually talking about my sine and cosine drawings, and not my curvaceous figure, but still, it was pretty funny.

sunday night

2009-11-22T21:33:00.000-05:00

I'm stressed. I have to do my pre-thesis presentation for tomorrow. I'm stressed. I haven't felt this stressed in so long. Why?

And then I think practically about it, and there's not that much. Just do it. One thing at a time. Just do it.

But maybe this is good. Maybe it's good that I've stepped off of cruise control.. Because I'm so used to just doing. To being mindless. Maybe it's good that I'm recognizing my limitations, that I have this sense of desperation..

Dear God..

2009-11-03T16:17:00.000-05:00

A mix of naivete and.. well, lameness.

2009-10-22T23:38:00.000-04:00

Jose: Miss, you actually look like a teacher today!

Me: Jose, what do I usually look like then?

Jose: I don't know, an H&M model and all that.

Haha, I think he meant it as a compliment. I'll take it.

On my alleged love affair with Hubbard:

Germain: So Ms. Huang, Marvin wants to know if there really is chemistry between math and physics!

Honestly, I love my job, my kids, my coworkers. Even though they (or just the kids) drive me freakin' insane sometimes.

best weekend in a long time

2009-10-13T22:50:00.001-04:00

Board game playing, cider sipping, pumpkin carving, hot dog roasting, smores making, Central Park picnicking, dim sum eating, football scrimmaging.

But you pay for it.

I can't sleep until I write this paper. That was due last week.

---

7:08 PM me: we should play more football.

Daniel: u should llisten to me when we play football.

7:09 PM me: sorry.

7:10 PM Daniel: as i was walking away

i actually realized

that i made a tactical mitake

i shouldve made you a safety

u wouldve had at least 2 or 3 interceeptions

7:12 PM me: hahaha

you really think so?

Daniel: yeah.

me: i don't know if i'm that good at intercepting

Daniel: well u would be

me: <-- short

Daniel: if u just listen to what i tell u.

hahaha

me: hahaha

fine.

Daniel: cuz u have really good hands

i was really impressed

7:13 PM i really put some zip on some of them

and u still caught it.

are u secretly a small boy?

me: hahahahah

i think so.

kind of, honestly.

i would play ball with the boys after church when i was little

i think that's how i got some of them to fall in love with me....

7:14 PM Daniel: ....

u r gross.

ahahahha

who says

I THINK SO

TO ARE YOU A BOY

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE OFFENDED.

me: i'm just being honest!!!

2009-10-09T18:09:00.001-04:00

If I had a penny for every time a student hit on me....

this year..

2009-09-16T22:06:00.000-04:00

I've aimed to be more organized, to be more consistent with my expectations, with my discipline. To teach my students something. It's working, I think. My students want to take a field trip to the Louvre. I think I talk too much during class.

Upkeep is a difficult thing. The inclination to bog myself down to my work, to avoid human interaction for the sake of.. work. My interactions with my roommates, with society, are so different during the summer than from any other time of the year. It's tiring to talk to people after having put on a 6 hour show for students.

This period of life is so odd. Turning 23, realizing that growing up.. is only just around the corner. So many possibilities, but so little time? I'm afraid that I will wake up one day and find that I'm 30. But there is so much to do..

And then there's God. Where is God? To find rest.. in Him. Desirable. But is there time for it? Rest ought to be a state of being. And then love. Totally not in that state of mind.. But still hopeful? Expectant. Maybe just waiting for God to do His thing and surprise me. The sovereignty of God is a comforting thing. Hopefully, a reality - not just a mind game we play with ourselves.

I like high schoolers. For the most part. They're always full of surprises.

easter 2009

2009-08-23T15:50:00.000-04:00

2009-08-17T01:13:00.000-04:00

want to love God. want to want to love God.

going home

2009-07-13T00:00:00.001-04:00

always messes me up. Sometimes I feel so alienated from everyone and everything, but then other times, I realize that it is here that the people know me best and that these are the ones I love most.

Torn.

In other news, I used Cheryl for my middle school iteracy profile and had her read about Frank Gehry, who apparently turned atheist after bullies picked on him at school for being Jewish. When I asked her what she would do if kids bullied her about what she believed in, she said that she would pray to God for them to stop. I thought that was worth mentioning. :) And then I showed her pictures of her two-year-old self holding hands with little Isaac Chang and she was horrified. ;)

:)

2009-06-19T12:13:00.001-04:00

Belting out (silently) to Taylor Swift in the staff lounge. Helping veteran teachers (a 52 and a 64 year old!) set up Facebook. I love Regents week. I'm also still especially proud of my students for their accomplishments.

Visit the High Line. It's beautiful.

And check out FLW at the Guggenheim. He's crazy, but he's a genius. Pay as you like Saturday afternoons!

New York City Food Film Festival tonight. Summer is in the air!!

crazy architects

2009-06-13T01:50:00.001-04:00

and their floating of 30 feet long garbage-made models down the Bronx River.

(My students were responsible for working on the Estuary section - bottom right part of the Bronx model.)

For project proposal information: http://www.vanalen.org/html/03_2009_LeviSchachter.php#

Coverage: http://urbanomnibus.net/2009/06/bronx-river-crossing/ & http://designtrust.blogspot.com/2009/06/bronx-river-crossing.html

need to guard my heart

2009-06-08T22:47:00.000-04:00

against resentment.

In small group last week, our token social worker talked about how easy it is to fall susceptible to resentment towards the people that you're trying to serve.. usually because they don't cooperate, if not make it more difficult for you to help them.

The idealist goes into the teaching field with these lofty notions that he/she is going in to help the poor, desolate, helpless children of the inner city who want to do better, but whose circumstances and family situations prevent them from doing so. Let me tell you - these students might be poor, but they don't appear to be with the way they carry the bling, rock out on their colorful I-Pods and Sidekicks, and sport it with the LeBrons and Air Nikes. They are real, live, people, not to be clumped together and idealized as faceless victims of the systems of poverty and education. Some can be annoying, some can make you laugh, and some of them just straight-up piss you off.

I'm having issues with the ones that piss me off...

All I know is that it's certainly easier to "love" people that you don't interact with regularly. Maybe that's why people sometimes gravitate towards serving the orphans of Africa, rather than those of their home church - because they subconsciously envision it easier to serve the fictional than the very real humans that they've put up with for so long. And probably for myself, I entered into this field with a similar mentality.. you disregard the reality of interacting with actual human beings, but upon realizing that reality, you're left quickly disillusioned and bitter because this was definitely not what you signed up for.

I love most of my students.. Perhaps, the vast majority of them, I have an affinity for to at least some level. But there are some - the most difficult, the most malicious - that I absolutely deplore being in the same room with. These are allegedly the ones we're here to inspire, the ones that need the most attention, the ones that I have the most difficult time loving because I don't know how to deal with difficult people.

It's hard to be right with God when you harbor these feelings in your heart.

2009-05-20T22:00:00.001-04:00

I love/hate my job.

I love seeing the delight of my students when they're engaged in their work, when the room is bustling with productivity and excitment, when finally they see the product of their labor.

I hate it when I see the utter lack of respect for such projects, the freakin' inabiliy of some to NOT damage the things around them, the freakin' inability to even treat each other with decency. I hate that I've come to believe that education is not for everyone, and that it doesn't benefit anyone that some people are in school.

And I hate the fact that some students take everything for granted and have no sense of responsibility whatsoever. That they expect everything to be handed to them, because they themselves have never been taught that they need to work for something in order to earn it. That they have no sense of propriety of picking up after themselves, and that it turns to the teacher to have to do the work of 120 individuals.

But it's not everyone..

Is it more valuable to focus on the students who do have a chance, or the students who are falling to the wayside? Human nature makes it so difficult to do the latter.

2009-04-06T00:00:00.001-04:00

Biological clock, please stop ticking!!

don't be silly

2009-04-02T00:29:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I feel like the same little girl who used to play with the boys ten years ago.. I still do it. I don't know what it is about me, but there are other thought processes that are coming back that are reminiscent of a little 7th grader.. It's juvenile. It's a bit imprisoning.

I want to grow up.

For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end -- it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Habakkuk 2.3

Moises

2009-03-27T15:22:00.000-04:00

Moises: Ms. Huang, you failed me?!
Me: I believe I did.
Moises: Why?! You gave me an F?! Don't I at least deserve a D-?
Me: Moises, tell me why I should've passed you.
Moises: I took your quiz!
Me: You didn't pass it.
Moises: So? But I took your quiz!
Me: Moises, but did you pass?
Moises: No.. but, I took your quiz! Doesn't that count for something?
(Mind you, he would not take the first one.)
Me: Moises, listen to what you're saying. Did you do your classwork?
Moises: Um.. yeah..
Me: Why don't we take a look at your binder.
Moises: Yes, why don't we!
Anthony: Oh, you shouldn't do that..
We open the notebook only to find worksheets that blank and untouched.
Me: Moises, I could take your notebook and give to someone who has been absent as make up work.
Moises: Augh. Fine. I'll make it up right now.

I don't know. Kids these days.

In other news, Shamik was suspended for three days, after flipping a table over in my room..

2009-03-23T22:55:00.001-04:00

Students are so fickle.

It seems that Evy and I are okay now. She's back after three days of suspension and we had nothing but pleasantry today. I sometimes forget that my students are in fact still kids.. kids who lead volatile lives, and as such, can be tempermental. But I'll take it for now.

---

Evy asked if she could bring me to get a body piercing if she got an A in my class 3rd marking period. Go figure. :)

2009-03-22T22:32:00.000-04:00

A ray of sunshine,

I want to be.

Again.

A source of hope,

One who knows Hope.

I want to be.

Again.

To fall at Your feet.

And see nothing else,

but the cross.

Again.

2009-03-10T15:48:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I think I should be a high school counselor instead of being a teacher. To teach can be so emotionally draining, especially when you're at a standstill with a student. Other times though, when you remove the student from his/her peers, the difference in behavior is tremendous. Without the societal pressures to maintain a certain image-- a certain pride -- the student lays down his/her guard and becomes almost.. human. Moises, who cut class on Monday, who refused to take his quiz on Friday, approaches me during lunch and we have a good half hour talk about what's going on. Catherine, who refuses to go to triage because it's "effin' Emilio's fault for throwing sh*t at me", is able to acknowledge and not only understand her trespasses, but actually take ownership of her misbehavior (and dirty mouth) once she is separated from her instigators. We finally understand one another (I hope). And Evy.. well, Evy and I have yet to reconcile.. yet again. In time, or until next time, I suppose.

I'm exhausted though.

2009-03-03T23:52:00.000-05:00

I finally started picking up my Bible again.

Sometimes, I read it and I think about how hard it is to live up its mandates. "Let love be genuine." "Outdo one another in showing honor." "Be of one spirit." "Hope does not fail." And then I think of all grudges I harbor, and how it's so much easier to hold onto our own self-entitlements, than to surrender our pride for freedom from our sinful natures.

And then I read about Jesus and think, "He wasn't such a nice guy." And then I think, "Do I really know Him intimately, because right now, it feels like I'm reading a history book and making observations from a distance."

And then I question why "God consigns all to disobedience, that he may have mercy on all" and then agree that yes, "How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable his ways!" (Roman 11.32-33), but I wonder if that's a good thing at all.

2009-02-01T23:53:00.001-05:00

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

C.S. Lewis

I'm afraid of this.

fragmented

2008-12-30T23:33:00.000-05:00

Ever feel that way?

2008-12-28T15:11:00.001-05:00

The danger in being introspective is when you look too much to yourself and not enough to God.

BOOKS TO READ THIS BREAK
- CS Lewis: the Four Loves
- Paul Collier: the Bottom Billion

2008-12-19T22:53:00.000-05:00

I have a problem. And it is called compartmentalizing.

Out of sight, out of mind. The motto that my life has, for the most part, lived by. It's a problem.

If you ask me about my students right now and my job, I'll probably give you the generic, "Oh it's going well - I really like my students. They're crazy sometimes, and not having a curriculum to work from sucks, but I'm learning a lot."

I won't tell you about period 5 and how frustrated I get when Oscar pretends the T-Square is an automatic gun. And I won't tell you about Orlando, the Christian rapper and talented artist. I won't tell you about Lynes, who stayed after school to help me organize folders and told me about her church. And probably, I won't tell you that Gabriel said today that he believed me when I told him I would be sad if he died.

And I won't tell you that Eric threatened Mr. Cardona that he would "mush his face." And I won't tell you that I told Eric that he doesn't have to be like this. That he doesn't have to fail - to lose focus, just because there are so many bad influences around. That his teachers are not out to get him. That I know he has the potential and the capability because I've heard it and because I've seen it. That he can prove it to himself and everyone else that he can do better. And I won't tell you that I made a copy of his two-point streetscape perspective drawing and hung it in the office and that when he found out, he flipped and said "You did what?!" and ran to the office to see it, only to say, "But this isn't even my final drawing!" I won't tell you that I was scared sh*tless that may have been a moment of lost trust - that I was infinitely relieved that he was more proud than embarrassed of his work.

But alas, even though I might not tell you, this is my life now.

because i need to do this for myself

2008-12-16T00:25:00.001-05:00

Urbana 2006: Live a life worthy of the calling..

Amy and I recently began relistening to the Urbana album. Two years later, the tracks "Unify Us", "I Have a Calling", and "You Alone are God" still hold the same significance they did when we worshiped alongside 20,000 other Christians. But at the same time, sometimes, the words feel so empty. Two years later - what are we doing with our lives? Urbana's mandate was to go forth - go live a life worthy of the calling, go serve those in the ends of the earth - go proclaim the Word of the Lord to those who are weak and down trodden.

Two years later, I am teaching at a "high-need" school in the Bronx. Two years later, I have been to Africa, I have lent my services and my time in the Third World, and am now working in poverty-stricken areas. But two years later, I'm not certain that my heart is aligned with God's.

There's a difference between desiring to please God and merely adhering to Christian principles. It's called legalism. Several weeks ago, a visiting pastor at my home church (yes, ICA) pointed out the phenomenon of young people desiring to go into the "inner-city" - the only place deserving - to teach. It is a not a bad thing, he stated, but it is most important to understand why you choose to do. Do we do it because we understand that God's heart longs for those who are physically and spiritually impoverished? Or do we do it.. out of our own reactions to intuitions of injustice? Am I looking to see heaven come down on earth, or am I searching merely for the earthly resolutions? Again, I ask, what makes me different from any other secular humanist?

To walk humbly with our God - is the most important thing.. And I pray that I'm not saying this because I know that is the Christian ideal, but because I really believe it.

reminders

2008-11-30T00:34:00.001-05:00

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling... Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go... But, of course, ceasing to be "in love" need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from "being in love" — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriage) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God... "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.

C.S. Lewis

why i'm blessed to be where i am

2008-11-19T20:56:00.001-05:00

We had a professional development session today at school led by the cheeseball the Leadership Program that PNA partners with. Though it was overall pretty hokey, at one point, they had us write down some figures or people in our lives that we felt had "character" and one characteristic about them. Naturally, there was sharing afterwards. For Sonya, also known as Ms. Johnson, that person was Jesus, whose trait was forgiveness. There were several "mm"s around the room, as another teacher whispered-- not disrespectfully -- "That's deep."

I'm reminded of the amazing faculty that I've been surrounded by. Granted that there is that undertone of complaining and frustrations, for the most part, I think I can say that all of these teachers here are in it for the students. I've been blessed with a staff who is still very much human and continue to be frustrated with the difficulties of education, but that is supportive of each other, that hopes and dreams for their students. I've also been blessed not only with colleagues, but fellow believers of the faith.

2008-10-27T23:07:00.001-04:00

One of my students is Mormon. Another, Seventh Day Adventist. The second one, one of my favorites, told me that she was transferring to another school because other students have been treating her brutally. My heart sank, but I knew that it'll be better for her to get away from her punk classmates.

A lot of times, we try to solve the problems of this world with solutions of the world. And not to undermine the importance of education reform, but sometimes I wonder how different these students would be if they knew Jesus.

lame

2008-10-10T15:46:00.000-04:00

Bleh. Remind me to not call out of work the next time I feel remotely sick.

2008-10-07T10:44:00.000-04:00

One of the most difficult things about working in this type of school with these types of students is that they are incredibly unmotivated and as such, incredibly lazy. This is too hard. This is impossible. I don't care - I give up. Do you expect us to work magic? We're not like you. Sometimes, it's difficult for me to tell whether or not I really am being unreasonable or if my expectations are simply too high, and perhaps seemingly impossible to meet. Or if they are achieveable, but these students simply do not have enough drive to try. It's very different from those crazies who immersed themselves into four years of architorture and sleepless nights. These kids feel that doing school work is an option - because they don't care for the repercussions of not doing it. So what if I fail? I don't need this. Part of me is tempted to believe that architecture simply isn't for these kids - they'll never have the will enough to do all this field, and many others, entails. Nelson, being a surgeon will require you to be work with your hands. Then fine! I don't want to be a surgeon.

It's brokenness on so many levels.

2008-10-07T08:22:00.000-04:00

There are things I know now that I wish I had I known four years ago.

2008-09-25T21:32:00.000-04:00

I don't really have any stories to bring home today from school, except that a verbal dispute/curse off broke out in 7th period between Eric and Hilda that left her in tears. And when I heard that that Shamik, the kid who tries to get into my class 5th, 7th, and 8th period (he only belongs there in 7th) got slashed in the face tonight during gang conflicts, my heart sank.

I need to remember to pray for these kids.

2008-09-24T12:50:00.001-04:00

It’s easy to feel defeated in this field. It’s easy to feel defeated when the students don’t do their homework, when they don’t clean up after themselves, when they don’t even take the worksheets with them after class. When after three days of the same thing, they still do not know how to measure to a 1/16th inch, when they have no concept of subdivision and increments. Who don’t have their own sketchbooks the 4th week of school. And yes, there are those that do. But even they get fed up with those who don’t pay attention and then claim that they have no idea what is going on. And then you have the kids who are sporadically present and have no inkling of anything. How do you work with any of this? How do you build anything if you don’t know how to measure dimensions? How do you draw if you don’t know how to draw angles? It gets tiring doing the same thing over and over.

2008-09-22T16:02:00.001-04:00

idoulex
teaching 10th graders how to use rulers :(
Prema: hahaa
aww
me: :(
Prema: gl!
me: it's sad
Prema: hey man if i can relearn alegbra, you can do anything
me: yeah but
why do they not know how to use one?
Prema: how do u mean?
like inches and cms?
me: yeah
inches
the inbetween stuff
1/4, 1/8, 1/16
man
today
we were going over metric vs standard
and i asked
Prema: oh my
me: what unit do we use to measure coke?
Prema: oz
me: and one kid said..
grams
you know why???
Prema: ahhhhhhh
err
sugar?
me: because they were thinking of the other coke
Prema: AHHHHHHH
OMFG
me: and they were like
Prema: that is HILARIOUS
me: you have to say coca cola
AHHHh
PREMA
Prema: oh man
sorryu
but that is crazyyy
me: i can't believe it
Prema: sad that you have to make that distinction
me: i know
oh my goodness
and this was one of the "good" kids

2008-08-24T21:18:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow: first day of curriculum planning. First day of stepping into Pablo Neruda as a teacher.

I'm nervous.

from architect to architect

2008-08-23T13:09:00.000-04:00

Steve: donde trabajas?

10:17 PM me: yeah, i need to take spanish lessons...

10:18 PM Steve: oh.

ou est le travail?

me: je ne parle pas l'espagnol

in the bronx

teaching

architecture

to 10th graders

Steve: eh?

not math?

10:19 PM me: well

it is allegedly

an integration of both

but not really

Steve: umm

10:20 PM don't you know that the gospel teaches us that there are we are to redeem the world and produce fruit through our work?

i think there are some ethical boundaries... teaching architecture? if i had that job i would make sure every kid was convinced not to get into it

me: hahahah

STEVE!

we love the jersey shore

2008-08-17T00:39:00.000-04:00

I brought Amy Hsieh home again because both she and Priscilla Lee wanted to go to the beach. I think one of the best things about having my roommate over is that I get to show both her and my home friends off to one another - in a way, it's a merging of the two worlds. I love watching the interactions and the familiarity develop.

:)

Back to Brooklyn in the morning!

shortcomings

2008-08-14T12:43:00.000-04:00

Some have asked how the job fair went this past Tuesday. I've told them about my first encounter was with Principal Alcoff, how he told me directly that he was not interested in hiring fellows because out of the nine that he has hired, only two of them have stuck with him past three years.

The other fellows and I weren't sure if it was because there was something wrong with those fellows or if there was something fundamentally wrong with the school. But from what I've read and researched, it seems that Teachers Preparatory School is an establishment that does seek its best for its students. It's located in an impoverished area, but still it struggles to be a haven - and an honorable one at that - for those in the neighborhood. They're serious about what they do, and Principal Alcoff showed that.

One of the things I struggle with is commitment. There's a lot of praise for programs such as TFA and NYCTF, for how we're raising the bar for urban kids and providing for the shortage of teachers [though at the moment, it seems like there are a shortage of vacant positions..], but there's also a lot of criticism - particularly for the high turnover rates. Let's be honest - a lot of us view these programs as a transitional stage, a stepping stone to greater, higher things. Some of us are here to "serve our time" and do our own temporary peacecorps without the commitment [though arguably, NYCTF is comprised of many career-changers who had grown wary of their cubicles in the corporate world and decided they finally "wanted to do something with their lives"]. Some of us aren't even here because we want to "help people" and raise the achievement rates, but because all other things fell through.. and so they'll stick around until the next best thing comes around.

Principal Alcoff told me that the fellows who had been at his school were great teachers - but that didn't matter because they left so quickly.

Sigh.

I do wonder if we have the best interests of these students in mind. I wonder if I could in good conscience apply to this school, not knowing whether or not I consider this to be a long term engagement, or a mere 2-3 year stint.

Anyway, back to those thank you notes.

sharing the world

2008-08-12T01:42:00.000-04:00

Dorothy: How do you share the world?

Joyce: By loving one another.

Dorothy: That's so hard!

Joyce: :)

It is.

Dorothy: How do you love people when they're not loveable?

Joyce: You pretend to first.

And then eventually, it becomes easier.

And you pray!

And remember that God loves them.

Dorothy: Hm...

Do you think we could do without the initial pretending?

Or is it a necessary first step

Joyce: Hm.

Perhaps pretend is a bad word..

Mm, I think it's necessary. Because if you don't, you won't take any initiative towards. I guess when I say pretend, I mean that you act as though you love them, even though it's really difficult.

When I was in highschool, Dennis told me to be friends with Priscilla Lee, even though I wasn't really drawn to her.

But I tried to reach out to her anyway, even though I probably wouldn't have done it on my own volition.

And now, I adore her.

I guess that's a dumbed down example. :)

Dorothy: It's a good one

You're living proof that it works

We can't be friends with everyone, right? How do we go about choosing

Or do we need to in the first place

Maybe they'll fall into our arms

Joyce: That is a difficult one..

I guess the copout answer would be whoever God puts a burden in your heart for

But then there are those that you won't have a burden at all for! And yet He calls us to.

HMMM.

But sometimes, they really do just fall into our arms..

Dorothy: Like Priscilla!

Kinda

Joyce: Hahah.

Yes. :)

Kind of.

She is definitely my responsibility.

Dorothy: She fell because Dennis pushed her, or you

Or both

Joyce: Me towards her.

She's an innocent bystander haha.

Dorothy: Oh, so you fell into her arms!

Haha

Joyce: Hahah.

Something like that. =p

I'm thankful for it.

Dennis says that friendships are a way of sharing the world, and it's true.

I'm glad that my friendship with him pushed me towards Priscilla.

That's the way all of our friendships should be.

--

I really like reciting the Apostle's Creed. There's something about confessing your faith that empowers you to really believe it.

I think it should be a rule for all Christians to recite it every Sunday morning.

2008-08-11T00:53:00.000-04:00

We're all searching for something to complete us.

Dear Jesus, please make us whole again.

--

Jennifer's father asked us tonight what Christianity is. Dennis replied that it is about Christ. Rightly so.. Christianity distinguishes itself from any other form of morality and religion because its entire belief system is founded upon the promise of salvation as provided by Jesus.

It's always about going back to the cross.

dealing with density?

2008-08-08T00:40:00.000-04:00

Homo affection actually makes me appreciate hetero PDA.. until they keep at it the whole ride to Union Square.
NYC is like a huge sauna. It's a wonder how not everyone here is skinny.
If some people were just a little slimmer, we would be able to fit more people in a car. It's true. This makes me look forward to winter time, when everyone is all bundled up.. not.
There are way too many people in Times Square. It's unlivable.
I hate trailing smokers.. but it seems to happen all too often.
Starbucks is my bathroom stop.. because there's one on every other corner. Unless you're in the shopping district on the Upper East Side.

If you're in a car in Soho during rush hour and you really need to pee and you're not the driver, you do have time to get out and use the bathroom of the gourmet grocery store at the corner, and the car will still not have moved by the time you've done your thing and returned.
Express trains are also handy when you have to pee. Subway restrooms are not. It's for those moments you should always carry toilet paper and hand sanitizer around at all times. [Though Purell should really inject some moisturizer into their formula.]
Never go to Trader Joe's during rush hour. Unless you want to be examining chicken breasts next to customers standing on the "12 items or less" line.. which wraps around to the front of the store. [But do go to TJ's in the mornings. And do buy the 99cent "I used to be a plastic bottle" tote bag - you also get entered into the $25 raffle every time you use it!]
Unless you plan on purchasing bootleg merchandise, walk on the south side of Canal Street.
Bring a book with you wherever you go. One good thing about public transportation is that you can travel and educate yourself simultaneously.. or just educate yourself when the E train gets stalled for 50 minutes due to falling debris. Yes, books are key. Plus, if you have the right one, it can be a useful conversation starter [ie: Savage Inequalities by Jonathan Kozol]. Oh, but carry them in ziplock bags to avoid wear and tear - thanks to ktachong for that piece of advice! Those books will go through a lot in this city.

Still too many churches here to choose from for my liking.. :(

truth

2008-08-06T02:27:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, today, forever,
Jesus is the same.
All may change, but Jesus never
Glory to His name!

Glory to His name,
glory to His name.
All may change, but Jesus never -
Glory to His name!

2008-07-15T12:44:00.001-04:00

Went to Origins with Steve and Amy on Sunday. Steve introduced us to some of his fellow NYers. Of course, the Asian Christian world is a small small microcosm. Connections and mutual acquaintances were easily drawn. One thing I was glad for: when others realize that path of the teacher is a decision made, not a route taken by default. We're often looked upon as having a cushy job, when the actuality of it is that we could be very well be at law school or med school but we chose to teach instead. And especially as a Fellow, we chose to teach specifically in the public schools of New York City, not anywhere else. I was glad to find that some do understand the premise of this career choice.

Things observed: those living in the city are awfully helpful. Many gestures have been extended: fellowship cookouts, scheduled dinners with other teaching fellow friends, invitation to churches.. all of it is very nice. Hospitality is an admirable trait.

empty?

2008-07-06T01:19:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, I get sad when I think about how difficult it will be to invest myself in a relationship as I had in the past. It often feels like an impossibility to be able to reach that same level of depth with someone as I had before. I've already expended so much of myself, that it sometimes feels that there is nothing else left for me to give. How do you foster that kind of trust with someone and establish that kind of foundation again? The notion of building something new with another person seems so difficult.

Many pursue, and yet I am paralyzed - unable to respond. I wonder for how much longer.

tribute

2008-07-02T00:50:00.000-04:00

There's a lot to consider when moving into the big city.. I'll admit that my desire to move was fueled by my desire for independence, to be off on my own, and to take some load off my parents back. But ultimately, it was fueled by my desire to be independent, self-sufficient, and self-reliant.

This whole apartment fiasco has been somewhat of a reminder of how much I still need my parents. I've always been one to look to my own devices, never really seeking or even wanting their assistance. And yet, the revealing of our still prevailing naivety in the entire process.. how much had we really messed up or misunderstood? And yet, there my father was.. not stationed to reprimand, but to encourage and correct. Not ready to coddle, but to support. He let us handle the situation on our own, he let us make the calls, the decisions, the negotiations. He let us learn... on our own, but he was there watching over us.

I don't know. Today was a strange day. I felt.. grown up, dealing with the broker, the owner, the manager. I felt grown up having gone through the process of finding and renting my first apartment, signing my first lease, learning the intricacies of the real estate sector. I felt grown up, being able to express all of my concerns/complaints, being able to stand firm, being able to negotiate and reason in the "real world".. and it was really surprising to me, because while my father was there, he didn't try to take over and do business for me. He coached, he assisted, but ultimately, he watched from the sidelines. And yet, it was then that I realized how much I still need and value his support.

He's probably still driving on his way home right now, after having dropped Amy all the in Towaco. After having given us a ride all the way back to Flushing. After having taken us out to dinner to celebrate the lease. And after having driven all the way out to Brooklyn at 4PM to ensure all would go well. And throughout all of this, there was no complaint from his mouth, no frowns or expressions of annoyance or disapproval.

I'm getting ready to leave home, but it's only now that I'm beginning to value all that parents have ever provided for me.

vagabond

2008-06-19T19:31:00.000-04:00

So the transition from college to the post-graduate life has begun. By transition, I mean spending the week in NY, but going home on weekends. Starting fieldwork in summer schools in a week, but not yet in the classroom. Still attending my home church, but considering options in the city. Entertaining the prospect of romance, but swearing off boys. Apartment searching, job searching, soul searching.

I'm a nomad - I carry bags around constantly and go back and forth between places because I still haven't yet settled. And so, I am tired. Returning to NY tomorrow - first to apartment hunt and then to resume classes - but I can't say that I'm looking forward to it. My intuition tells me that it is the moving back and forth that weighs me down.. The constant shift in surroundings that wears me to my feet.

I want to be able to sit down and rest my feet. And to finally know that I've found a place to call my own.

transitions

2008-05-08T00:20:00.001-04:00

Spring 2008 - finished. 20 credits - finished. Religious Studies and Architecture majors - finished. Senior year - finished. A season of life.. finished.

This morning, at about maybe 8 A.M., one of my best friends came into my room to say good bye. He was headed off to the airport. In my unconsciousness, I sat upright, gave him a hug, and fell almost instantly back to sleep. Only one of the many blessings of this year - gone, just like that. Last night, I told him that it would be okay, that I would be back to visit, that I would be in touch. But it won't be the same, he said.

It's really beginning to hit home.

Never had I thought that leaving college behind would be so difficult. For the bulk of my college career, my focus had always been on getting out, moving forward onto the "real world", and doing something with my life. Energy was expended over a rocky relationship, my studies, and on trying to make sense out of what God would have me do beyond. It was not on the present, on learning to care for people. If anything, this was something I ran away from, whether because of fellowship tensions or simply because I was so consumed with myself.

If there's a theme that has resonated throughout this last year, it would be redemption. Redemption bore the fruit of long-suffering; it provided reason for sacrifices made; it revealed the faithfulness of God. This year was indeed a year of being redeemed. It was a year of all things made new. Of coming full circle from when I started almost four years ago. It was the only way to end.

And yet, redemption is but the beginning.

life...

2008-04-24T02:26:00.000-04:00

sucks.

After a post-dinner dinner, chocolate and pistachio cheesecake, and about a bottle of Rosemount Shiraz with my photography sensei, this is what I've been left with. A dose of reality.

You want to save the world, but you can't either because those you want to help won't cooperate, or the system just isn't allow for it. And the real world, whether corporate or non-profit, is still in fact driven by money and politics. And it's difficult to fight the tide. It's difficult to run against the wind, the world.

But I guess it's better to go in with a realistic perspective on things, rather than be naively idealistic. I'm definitely more cynical than I used to be..

I guess this is what we refer to as the Fall.

I got my university assignment today. An obscure Catholic school in Brooklyn, but it'll get the job done.

Ray says I'm emo.
It's probably true. :)

mental dumps

2008-04-18T16:23:00.000-04:00

Cameron Sinclair, I applaud you.

Tuesday, 6:30 pm: I wasn't sure if I should make the trek down to Givens to hear you speak. It would be much easier to sit in my comfortable room, especially with an impending 4-5 page paper due the next day. But I couldn't. I knew that if I didn't go, I would be filled with regret - I would be left wondering what you had to say about designing like you give a damn. It would make me hypocrite, because this is all that I believe architecture of being capable of. Thank you so much for moving us towards urgency again. Thank you for giving me faith in this field again.
Conspiracies

At this moment, there are at least three friends making a cross-country trek out to the Mid-West from the Dirty Jersey. Seriously. This is the second time now (even though the fruits of the first one did not last). Still, why am I so blessed?
C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed

I've read only the introduction by Madeleine L'Engle and the first couple pages of chapter 1, and already tears have wanted to well up. There's a lot of angst in trying to understand why certain things happen - why God decides to take people away, and why He doesn't allow us to hold onto something that was once so good. I've been thinking about loss a lot recently and how we lose people to change. And I grieve and still wonder how these things happen. I don't know. But I've gotten better at accepting that all things do happen for the good all of those who love God. Sigh. To find comfort in that, if nothing else.

at the end of the day

2008-04-13T23:37:00.000-04:00

I am thankful for those on whom I can lean.
I am thankful for those that I can throw my arms around, that I can accidentally fall asleep in the same room with during late night talks.
I am thankful for those with whom I can be completely still and yet completely at ease.
I am thankful for those who strive for intimacy, who are willing to take the risk because our Lord calls us to get messy with one another.
I am thankful for redemption after these three years.

Was it all worth it? Is loving the bride worth it?

Yes, it was. And yes, it is.

cynicism

2008-04-03T22:06:00.001-04:00

Whatever happened to saving the world?

hope

2008-03-30T03:43:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, a clean room and a recount of one couple's story. A witness to our Lord's faithfulness, and a reminder that He holds tomorrow - as well as our future spouses. For me, something to latch onto again - the promise of restoration. A reason to hope for healing.

Tonight - a date! With a fellow social justice junkie. ;) Return to Lafayette Square. The fountain is as beautiful as I remember it to be. Reiterations of God's sovereignty and His desire for our good, in spite of our constant protests. Exchanges of hopes, dreams, and encouragement to face the Big City over raspberry and Bailey's Irish cream martinis. I'm glad for it. The day topped off sweetly with candid conversations with Jin and Tonic. ;)

Tomorrow - the rebirth of a dear friend and newly founded brother.

We have reason to sing.

before it's too late

2008-03-27T21:07:00.000-04:00

This week was the week that I realized that I am tired. Last week was Passion Week, the retelling of our Lord Jesus's sacrifice. Somehow, the dichotomy just doesn't jive. I often forget to live as though I believe in the resurrection. Regardless, He lives. Yes, Christ Jesus lives today.

Two days ago, a photo shoot with Stephen Moses Song - possibly the cutest baby alive. Today, observed the interactions of the Song household and experienced their hospitality. I'm thankful for redemption. And I'm thankful for the gift of love.

One of my best [girl]friends visited me last week. We didn't fight at all, which is quite a feat [though we came awfully close twice]. I'm terribly bad at expressing gratitude for others. Regardless, the visit was a refreshing reminder of friendship. Some days, I really do believe that I have the best friends in the world, even though they love to team up and rip on me for recreation. But to be able to do that, and still be willing to make the trek out here from the East Coast - to remain loyal to the ugly - well, that's really something. Again, thank you for being my friend. And cheers - to Nertz, brie and flatbread, lambic, shattered windows, and maybe, just maybe, to Calvin game.

2008-03-25T00:35:00.001-04:00

I need to relearn how to pray.

2008-03-07T01:06:00.001-05:00

The Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. The Apostles themselves, who set on foot the conversion of the Roman Empire, the great men who built up the Middle Ages, the English evangelicals who abolished the slave trade, all left their mark on earth, precisely because their minds were occupied with heaven. It is since Christians have begun thinking less of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this. Aim at heaven and you get earth thrown in; aim at earth and you get neither.

- CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

regression

2008-02-26T21:45:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday night, one freshman asked me after our The Screwtape Letters discussion, "Joyce, were you this wise as a freshman?"

I laughed. And then I said, "Actually, I think I've regressed. I don't think I'm as wise as I used to be."

Sadly, it's true. I look back upon years past, and I realize that there was a time when I had more hope, more optimism, more faith. Certainly, I've gained more knowledge and a better grasp of reality over the years, but with that has come the infiltration of human weakness into my mental calculations. I "know" certain truths, and yet... I don't know. Wisdom - or the fear of the Lord, as it says in Job 28 (ironically, my essay topic last week) - is no longer as apparent as it once was. I no longer cling as tightly to God as I used to, because in my heart, I believe my sinfulness, and the depravity of this world, to be greater than His sovereignty. I think I do know more - in my head anyway, the semblance of what others may perceive to be wisdom - but in my heart, there still struggles to survive the faith of a child, the innocence that recognizes nothing else but the face of her loving Father.

Holy, You are still holy,
Even when the darkness surrounds my life.
Sovereign, You are still sovereign,
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes.

It's still true.

Consider it all joy when ye encounter diverse temptations, knowing this, that the testing of your faith produces patience, and let patience have her perfect work, so that you may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

I will have faith again.

denial

2008-01-24T18:40:00.001-05:00

It's easy to gloss things over - to avoid the ugly. It's easy to pretend they're well.

And yet things are.. they're well when I cease to focus on myself. They're well when my focus is on being with others, when the sole purpose is to pour out. Until you realize that you're empty, and that there are few to pour into you.

Still in the midst of uncovering the pain.

clean

2007-10-14T02:51:00.000-04:00

I tell myself that it's been a long time coming.